Autumn 2007

Early childhood education & care

Building confidence in young children

Sue Berne offers practical strategies and solutions to give children of any age the skills to build emotional intelligence and resolve conflicts.

Conflict is a part of all our lives. Conflict occurs between partners, parents and their children, friends, neighbours, in the workplace and between nations. It is very empowering for children to learn how to resolve conflict. The word ‘conflict’ is derived from the Latin conflictus meaning to ‘strike together’. The general belief is that in order for conflict to be resolved, there always has to be a winner and a loser. So it’s important to foster a different belief in our children—a belief that true resolution means that each person gets at least some of what they want. This calls for both negotiation and compromise and a willingness to work it out.

Building blocks for conflict resolution

To be successful at resolving conflicts it is important to be competent at the following skills:

Communication—being able to get your message across so that the other person understands what you are saying. Children need an understanding of both verbal and nonverbal communication, because such a large part of communication (55%) is nonverbal. Some activities that encourage effective communication include describing a person or an object; telling a story; giving instructions and learning the ‘niceties’—e.g., looking at the person to whom you are speaking; saying ‘please’ and ‘pardon me’.

Listening—interpreting and understanding what is being said and knowing there is a difference between hearing and listening. Teach children to listen by asking them to follow directions, retell a story, answer questions about a story you have just read and identify their classmates’ voices or familiar sounds from a tape.

Understanding feelings—children need to be able to identify and name their feelings and to understand that all feelings are okay despite the negative connotations that are put on anger, sadness, etc. Once they can do this it allows them to show empathy for others and to understand how they may be feeling. Activities can include discussing pictures of people showing different feelings; talking about feelings that different situations may trigger—e.g., ‘I lost my dog. I feel …’; ‘It’s my birthday. I feel …’; talking about feelings evoked by listening to different music and learning techniques for dealing with anger.

Being assertive—standing up for what we need and want without disregarding the feelings and needs of others. The assertive message is ‘I count and so do you.’ Teach children the difference between assertive, aggressive and submissive behaviours; what is meant by ‘personal space’ and how we respect that and the ‘I’ message—‘I feel … when you … and I want …’

Once children have learned these skills they are ready to learn the process for conflict resolution.

Steps for resolving conflict

There are four steps in this process.

Step 1. Define the problem—everyone must agree on what the problem is. This may sound simple, but sometimes we argue about two different issues. Unless each child knows what the problem is for them, they won’t be able to resolve it.

Step 2. Explore solutions—this is also called brainstorming. It means thinking of as many solutions as you can. Both children should offer suggestions—even those that at first may seem ridiculous or unworkable. You may need to offer suggestions too.

Step 3. Choose a solution—sometimes this could be a combination of some of the suggestions made in Step 2. The solution must be one that both are happy with. When deciding on a solution; ask the following questions:

• Is it realistic—can they both do what you say they will?
• Is it fair to both?
• Does it solve the problem?

Step 4. Make an agreement and put it into action—what will each child need to do?

Young children will learn this process, not step-by-step, but through seeing it modelled by the teacher and being coached through it when there is a conflict. Use lots of role plays and hypothetical situations. Not all conflicts will need a lengthy process to resolve them, but even small problems need to be discussed and a solution agreed upon.

Some activities

Violence on television—There is a lot of violence in the television shows that children watch. There are many who believe that young people are adversely affected by the violence they see on television and in the movies.

Tape some of the shows that you know they watch—cartoons as well. Watch the shows with the children and discuss the violence shown. Discuss whether it is okay for people to behave in this way and the consequences of such behaviour.

What a hero!—Use dress-up clothes and props: mask, cape, wand, etc. Choose one child to be the Hero and one to be the Baddie. Use some of the other children to set the scene. Perhaps the Baddie has kidnapped the Princess and the Hero needs to rescue her—without using violence. Discuss how the Hero can do this and have the ‘actors’ do the scene. Discuss the outcome.

Think of other role plays you can use.

Grumble, Grumble—Set aside time for a ‘grumble’ session at least once a week. Discuss a problem that has happened during the week—e.g., someone was being teased or left out of the game—or ask if any of the children has a problem they’d like to get help with. Using the conflict resolution process, discuss how the problem can be resolved. After the first couple of sessions they will understand the process and be well prepared.

A final word

Young children are capable of learning how to resolve conflicts this way and you will be surprised at how creative they are at thinking of solutions. Conflict can become a positive experience for them, providing them with the opportunity to feel more confident and better able to take care of themselves. The skills they are learning will build their emotional intelligence which is so important for success in life.

Sue Berne has many years experience sharing her expertise in Conflict Resolution through counselling children and their families in schools.

The author owns the copyright in this article. For information related to the reuse of this work in any form please contact the publisher denise.quinn@curriculum.edu.au