Spring 2006

Wellbeing and connectedness

Parenting for character

Schools are uniquely placed to offer assistance with parenting. Andrew Mullins draws on 20 years experience as a teacher and parent, and taps into the wisdom of past scholars, to provide practical guidance for parents.

Some years ago, I was involved in a small group discussion at a values education conference. One participant made the comment, ‘At my school we find ourselves teaching values despite the parents! Too often it is the parents who do not support my school’s ethos of solidarity with those in need.’ This very honest comment made me uncomfortable.

The rights of the parent

I don’t believe schools have the right to set an ethical agenda different from that of the students’ parents. The obvious exception is when there is patent parental incompetence. The much quoted mantra that ‘parents are the primary educators’ carries an essential truth. It is the parents’ right to raise their children according to their own ethics.

If we are not to live in some new world order in which parents are irrelevant, we will need to fight like Kostya Tzu to see the playing field levelled so that parents can, in fact, be the decisive influence in their own children’s upbringing. The great majority of parents do not wish to see their role bypassed by bureaucrats or teachers, or to see it subverted by soap opera scriptwriters, Internet providers without scruples, or by marketing campaigns enticing thirteen-year-old girls to buy liquor.

The role of the school

Schools can do a great deal to help parents. The possibilities for schools to act in close partnership with parents are substantial. Let’s not limit ourselves to asking parents to hear reading, sell pies or coach soccer teams. Schools exist to support parents; parents do not exist to support schools. We educators need to keep reminding ourselves, and the bureaucrats of that fact. As the inspirational Kevin Ryan and Karen Bohlin advise, ‘Do not keep parents in the dark—they are your number one allies’ (Ryan & Bohlin, 1999).

For a start, educators can help parents think longer term—about building the strengths and good habits their children will need in order to be happy and fulfilled in adult life. We could say that effective parenting is outcomes based: the key outcomes are habitual qualities of the mind and the heart. The young adults we raise must be able to recognise truth, to think for themselves, and as Jim Stenson says, to ‘look after others and want to’ (Stenson, 1999).

Too much parenting literature today focuses on satisfying the immediate needs of a child—how to change a nappy, how to deal with tantrums. As they grow, our children are rarely deficient in these areas. Rather, it is more often the adult qualities of character they lack.

Aristotle wrote, ‘Happiness is the reward of virtue.’ Virtues are simply good habits of mind, of heart and of action; on these habits our happiness as adults depends. We need the full spectrum of habitual behaviours that enable us to chart our own course in life, unmanacled by the push and pull of media and peer group, and free from the debilitating effects of our own laziness or passivity. Values, or good intentions, are not enough.

Every school across Australia has a direct line into the homes of its students. It is my experience that schools can do much to help parents improve their parenting skills—through newsletters, parent evenings, having parent-education coordinators on staff, engaging guest speakers and promoting suitable literature.

Experience counts

Parenting for Character is a practical manual that stresses the importance of fostering good habits in children as the foundation for adult happiness. This text draws together many of the ideas that we have kept in circulation with parents during the 20 years of Redfield College. It identifies the major challenges for parents, including—unity between parents, parental example, setting high but reasonable expectations, building habits of communication, allowing children to experience the consequences of their actions, and competing with a consumer culture. And, of course, it stresses the vital importance of loving affection for children. There are many stories from real families to illustrate the topics and checklists to allow parents to work together to audit their own family efforts.

Universal understandings

Successful parenting is not a black box that defies analysis. Certain approaches reduce the risks in raising children. Schools can and should be passing on this message to the parents of the children whom they are serving. Parents can be helped to think in terms of fostering good habits in their children—having routines in the home, being consistent as a couple, remaining optimistic in the face of difficulties, teaching children to focus habitually on others rather than indulge in self-pity.

All this is sound psychology. We should manage our feelings; they should not manage us. Two thousand years ago, Cicero wrote, ‘Lack of self control betrays a fundamental defect in one’s mind and reason.’ Human beings are still the same.

Parents need help to audit their own example. All the adults in a child’s life should exhibit habits of self-control in their emotional reactions, responding but not reacting. They need to be resourceful, employing strategies to solve daily problems. They must also learn not to take over when children experience difficulties. If we fail to give this example, our children may not have the resilience they will need to ride out the air pockets of adolescence.

Sometimes even the most well-intentioned parent needs a gentle reminder to spend more time with their children. If Catrina spends more time watching Desperate Housewives and The OC than with her mother, who is she most likely to choose as role model? We all need occasional reminders about first principles.

The most important job in the world comes with the least training. We spend much time in schools documenting the trivial, so let’s also document the vital.

References

Isaacs, D (2001). Character Building: A guide for parents and teachers, Four Courts Press, Dublin.

Lickona, T (2004). Character Matters: How to help our children develop good judgment, integrity, and other essential virtues, Simon and Schuster, New York.

Mullins, A (2005). Parenting for Character: Equipping your child for life, Finch Publishing, Sydney.

Ryan, K & Bohlin, K (1999). Building Character in Schools, Jossey-Bass, San Francisco.

Stenson, J B (1992). Upbringing: A handbook for parents of young children, Scepter, New York.

Andrew Mullins is headmaster of Redfield College, a year 2–12 independent school in Sydney.

The author owns the copyright in this article. For information related to the reuse of this work in any form please contact the publisher denise.quinn@curriculum.edu.au